Ok, tadaaaa I ordered maternity clothes.  Jeans, black pants, a dress, a sweater.  I already feel a little better. I mean on one hand I hate that I felt like I had to get maternity clothes already, on the other hand- who cares?

I'm 9 weeks pregnant today, and I swear to you my stomach is sticking out.  I'm trying not to be weirded out by it and fighting the urge to feel "fat".  I thought that kind of shit would go away when I was pregnant but I guess it'll take a bit longer for my brain to get on board. 

Other than that and waking up every two hours to pee throughout the night, I'm feeling good.  No puking- just an occasional wave of nausea.  My sinuses are funky but that's manageable too. 

I'm pretty moody but I think that has a lot to do with not sleeping.  I feel sad thinking about having to go back to work after I have this little bean.  I'm trying not to make a big deal about it- I know T would rather we be in a situation where I could stay home too.  It's not a luxury that most people get anyway.  We'll manage.  

T and I finally got to go to the doctor on Wednesday.  I knew they were going to do an ultrasound to see the heartbeat, but I thought I was going to fall off the gurney when I could actually see the little Bean's head and butt!  It was amazing!  How can I think of this as anything but a complete miracle? It's incredible. 

I have to go back for a "dating" ultrasound at the end of January, but I'm happy that I get to see the lil Bean again.  I guess he measured a bit small so they want to check him again before they tell me a due date.  My suspicion is that they think why not charge for another ultrasound?

Unfortunately, my boss keeps blabbing to people that I would like to tell personally.  I don't know why she keeps doing it, and if she really thinks I have no idea.  I just emailed her again to please not tell people, but I know that's not very realistic.  The truth is that once you tell anyone (besides L and E- the only 100% reliable secret keepers) you can't really expect to be in charge of what happens to your info.  It's not a huge deal, but it is an important lesson to learn!

Tonight T and I are going to a Second City show that I auditioned for but didn't get cast in.  I'm excited to see my friend who did get cast, and my friend who wrote the show. 

Oh my Bean wants me to be so emotional.  I have absolutely no lid for my temper, and apparently my new thing is always telling it like it is. Maybe it's also a function of my constant sobriety.  It feels like a superpower, and superpowers always come with something bad right? 

I'm so weirded out knowing that people know I'm pregnant who I haven't told personally.  I don't care about people I don't know, but this weekend I had the awkward "I already knew!  Thanks for telling me though!" conversation.  It really bothered me.  I think because it's my news that I want to share when and with whom I'd like.  I'm getting over it of course, and I know every one's heart is in the right place...but still.

I'm have a work drinks/dinner tonight that I'm terrified I'll be busted on.  I'm not at all ready to let the bean out of the bag with co-workers, but feel like a jerk for lying about why I'm not drinking.  It'll be a relief when I'm showing I think.

Today The Bean is doing a number on my digestive system.  Well, it might be the metric ton of fruits and vegetables I've been eating, topped with cows milk.  It's hard to say. 

The Boss almost spilled it at a business lunch today.  She's definitely going to be the security leak.  I've already decided not to get pissed when it happens. 

It's T's birthday and we're going to Capital Grill for dinner.  I've been having fantasies about eating a lobster that are bordering on sexual. 

After Christmas T and I went to Boston to visit L and her husband.  We had such a great time, alternating between naps and adventures. It was such a comfort to be with another pregnant person, especially some one further along, especially some one I adore. 

We landed, walked around Boston and even checked out Paul Revere's house!  It was balls cold but it felt good to stretch my fattening legs.  That night we went to a Bruin's game.  Hockey is my favorite spectator sport because it's over before you know it.  Also- good cheese fries. 

New Years Eve day we went to my old college town and drove around.  It was so weird to be there with a Bean in my belly!  I don't know if I have ever been so sober walking around that campus.  New Years Eve was aweseom too- I stayed up until 1:30 am completely alchohol free!  I wasn't bored or annoyed for even one second, which says a lot about L and the company she keeps. 

New Years day we drove up the coast of New Hampshire and I imagined using the millions from my first screen play to rent a stormy house on the ocean and write my first novel.  It's good to have goals, right?  The day we left we walked around Harvard (I felt a little sad that the Harvard plan isn't Bean friendly...but we'll live!) and saw Fenway and ate and ate and ate. 

It was a perfect trip at a perfect time.  Although I was heartbroken to leave her again, I'm so happy we have our pregnancy bond.  I feel so so so lucky to have a friend like L.

I told my boss today!

I was so freaked I was shaking and sweating.  Because I work for one person, and we're in a total boys-club business, I was just terrified about how she'd react.  The lead up to my wedding was a bit rough, and I have to assume this will be 500,000,000 times worse.  But she was awesome.  She screamed with joy and was genuinely enthusiastic.  It's a huge weight of my mind to have told her, especially because it's all I ever want to talk about.

On a related note, I've noticed my crabbiness often comes close to dangerous levels.  Maybe it's the tiredness, but I think it's a combo crabby/tired.  I can't get over how different every part of my body feels.  I also can't get over how much I already adore my little Bean.  

I had lunch with E last week and was complaining about how my usual anxiety has spiked with my pregnancy.  I can't figure out how pregnant I am, to start with.  I know it seems like a pretty easy thing to figure out, but I'm so so desperate to be further along I keep confusing myself (for the record, I really now think I'm only four weeks).  I'm afraid to exercise- everyone says I can but it seems like a stupid risk.  But if I don't exercise, I'm afraid of getting pregnant lady diabetes.  I'm afraid of eating junk food.  I'm worried about telling people I work with about the pregnancy.  How many baths can I take?

"Aren't you supposed to get "What to Expect When You're Expecting?"  E asked during a break in my stream of neurotic consciousness.  Ahh yes.  A book.  T and I went to Borders that night, and I felt immediately better.  I felt so much better in fact, I felt stupid for waiting two weeks to buy the book.

So now I'm armed with some calming facts and can't bring myself to worry about the Bean anymore.  I feel like it's safe in there for now.  I'm still worried about work, but according to the constant dreams I've been having about it...everything will be ok.