I find my temper to be a big challenge right now.  I mean during my pregnancy but also RIGHT NOW.  The problem with working in a small office is that you can't escape each others energy, and you (well really just me) have to pretend you forgive some one immediately when they act like a complete fucking asshole.  Especially when they demand immediate forgivel, especially when you'd rather quit.

Oooo!  I just had an idea!!  I'm going to think about my WONDERFUL husband, and the incredible "Groundhog's Day" gifts he gave me (it was really for Valentine's but he couldn't wait).  I'm going to think about my sweet family and my cute cute orange dog.  I'm going to think about L, B, E and how much they love me.

And I'm going to think about my sweet little bean.  Growing and squirming and getting ready to meet me!!

There, I feel better.  My whole identity isn't centered around my career.  And if I'm so grateful for that.

Last Thursday T and I had a GREAT ultrasound!  The little bean was squirming around in there and the tech showed us that his bones were growing.  It was so awesome.  I miss my baby! I'm so excited to meet the person in there. 

The idea of getting the meet my baby keeps me from really getting anxious about the future.  I have a hard time sleeping at night, because I can't stop my mind from racing about what happens next.  Here are the specific things I worry about (rational or not):
Will I get paid maternity leave?
What will happen to my commission when I'm on maternity leave?
Will I be able to live in my parent's house without adding stress to my marriage?
Will I be able to continue writing after the baby is born?
Will I really be able to leave my little bby and go back to work?
Will I resent T for going back to school while I have to work?
How long will we live with my parents before we move into our own place?
Where will I pump my breast milk in my stupid office?
How will be insure T when he's in school?

That's all I can think of right now, but that's a good start.  Honestly, I'm most worried about writing.  So much of my self esteem and identity is tied up in my writing, and I really feel like it'll be the first thing to go.  I don't just want to be a baby maker, I want to be a person with a strong identity who raises children with strong identities. 

The good news is that my baby book says it's normal for me to worry about stuff like this.  I can't control very much in my life, but I can start making a list of honest conversations that I can force myself to have with people...like my boss...and my business partner.  My parents are another story- they WANT things to work out so badly they won't really explore the idea that it might now.  But that's ok for now.

Whew.  I feel better already.