Opinions

I've been unpleasantly surprised by how many people will ask you a question, then loudly protest the answer.  I've decided to STOP telling people that I'm going to find out the baby's sex, because it annoys me so much when they scream, "WHY!!  Then you won't be surprised!!"  What these idiots opinionites don't seem to realize is that I'll be surprised whenever I find out- whether it's in the ultra sound room or in the delivery room.  More to the point- it's no one's business but my own!  I guess the reason it annoys me is because there's such a strong undercurrent of judgment when the subject comes up. 

I was email T with great outrage about a recent incident, and he said we should reply from now on:
I'll be sure not to tell you the sex of the baby so you'll be surprised.

HAHAH such a good idea.  He's the best husband.

I find my temper to be a big challenge right now.  I mean during my pregnancy but also RIGHT NOW.  The problem with working in a small office is that you can't escape each others energy, and you (well really just me) have to pretend you forgive some one immediately when they act like a complete fucking asshole.  Especially when they demand immediate forgivel, especially when you'd rather quit.

Oooo!  I just had an idea!!  I'm going to think about my WONDERFUL husband, and the incredible "Groundhog's Day" gifts he gave me (it was really for Valentine's but he couldn't wait).  I'm going to think about my sweet family and my cute cute orange dog.  I'm going to think about L, B, E and how much they love me.

And I'm going to think about my sweet little bean.  Growing and squirming and getting ready to meet me!!

There, I feel better.  My whole identity isn't centered around my career.  And if I'm so grateful for that.

Last Thursday T and I had a GREAT ultrasound!  The little bean was squirming around in there and the tech showed us that his bones were growing.  It was so awesome.  I miss my baby! I'm so excited to meet the person in there. 

The idea of getting the meet my baby keeps me from really getting anxious about the future.  I have a hard time sleeping at night, because I can't stop my mind from racing about what happens next.  Here are the specific things I worry about (rational or not):
Will I get paid maternity leave?
What will happen to my commission when I'm on maternity leave?
Will I be able to live in my parent's house without adding stress to my marriage?
Will I be able to continue writing after the baby is born?
Will I really be able to leave my little bby and go back to work?
Will I resent T for going back to school while I have to work?
How long will we live with my parents before we move into our own place?
Where will I pump my breast milk in my stupid office?
How will be insure T when he's in school?

That's all I can think of right now, but that's a good start.  Honestly, I'm most worried about writing.  So much of my self esteem and identity is tied up in my writing, and I really feel like it'll be the first thing to go.  I don't just want to be a baby maker, I want to be a person with a strong identity who raises children with strong identities. 

The good news is that my baby book says it's normal for me to worry about stuff like this.  I can't control very much in my life, but I can start making a list of honest conversations that I can force myself to have with people...like my boss...and my business partner.  My parents are another story- they WANT things to work out so badly they won't really explore the idea that it might now.  But that's ok for now.

Whew.  I feel better already. 

Ok, tadaaaa I ordered maternity clothes.  Jeans, black pants, a dress, a sweater.  I already feel a little better. I mean on one hand I hate that I felt like I had to get maternity clothes already, on the other hand- who cares?

I'm 9 weeks pregnant today, and I swear to you my stomach is sticking out.  I'm trying not to be weirded out by it and fighting the urge to feel "fat".  I thought that kind of shit would go away when I was pregnant but I guess it'll take a bit longer for my brain to get on board. 

Other than that and waking up every two hours to pee throughout the night, I'm feeling good.  No puking- just an occasional wave of nausea.  My sinuses are funky but that's manageable too. 

I'm pretty moody but I think that has a lot to do with not sleeping.  I feel sad thinking about having to go back to work after I have this little bean.  I'm trying not to make a big deal about it- I know T would rather we be in a situation where I could stay home too.  It's not a luxury that most people get anyway.  We'll manage.  

T and I finally got to go to the doctor on Wednesday.  I knew they were going to do an ultrasound to see the heartbeat, but I thought I was going to fall off the gurney when I could actually see the little Bean's head and butt!  It was amazing!  How can I think of this as anything but a complete miracle? It's incredible. 

I have to go back for a "dating" ultrasound at the end of January, but I'm happy that I get to see the lil Bean again.  I guess he measured a bit small so they want to check him again before they tell me a due date.  My suspicion is that they think why not charge for another ultrasound?

Unfortunately, my boss keeps blabbing to people that I would like to tell personally.  I don't know why she keeps doing it, and if she really thinks I have no idea.  I just emailed her again to please not tell people, but I know that's not very realistic.  The truth is that once you tell anyone (besides L and E- the only 100% reliable secret keepers) you can't really expect to be in charge of what happens to your info.  It's not a huge deal, but it is an important lesson to learn!

Tonight T and I are going to a Second City show that I auditioned for but didn't get cast in.  I'm excited to see my friend who did get cast, and my friend who wrote the show. 

Oh my Bean wants me to be so emotional.  I have absolutely no lid for my temper, and apparently my new thing is always telling it like it is. Maybe it's also a function of my constant sobriety.  It feels like a superpower, and superpowers always come with something bad right? 

I'm so weirded out knowing that people know I'm pregnant who I haven't told personally.  I don't care about people I don't know, but this weekend I had the awkward "I already knew!  Thanks for telling me though!" conversation.  It really bothered me.  I think because it's my news that I want to share when and with whom I'd like.  I'm getting over it of course, and I know every one's heart is in the right place...but still.

I'm have a work drinks/dinner tonight that I'm terrified I'll be busted on.  I'm not at all ready to let the bean out of the bag with co-workers, but feel like a jerk for lying about why I'm not drinking.  It'll be a relief when I'm showing I think.

Today The Bean is doing a number on my digestive system.  Well, it might be the metric ton of fruits and vegetables I've been eating, topped with cows milk.  It's hard to say. 

The Boss almost spilled it at a business lunch today.  She's definitely going to be the security leak.  I've already decided not to get pissed when it happens. 

It's T's birthday and we're going to Capital Grill for dinner.  I've been having fantasies about eating a lobster that are bordering on sexual. 

After Christmas T and I went to Boston to visit L and her husband.  We had such a great time, alternating between naps and adventures. It was such a comfort to be with another pregnant person, especially some one further along, especially some one I adore. 

We landed, walked around Boston and even checked out Paul Revere's house!  It was balls cold but it felt good to stretch my fattening legs.  That night we went to a Bruin's game.  Hockey is my favorite spectator sport because it's over before you know it.  Also- good cheese fries. 

New Years Eve day we went to my old college town and drove around.  It was so weird to be there with a Bean in my belly!  I don't know if I have ever been so sober walking around that campus.  New Years Eve was aweseom too- I stayed up until 1:30 am completely alchohol free!  I wasn't bored or annoyed for even one second, which says a lot about L and the company she keeps. 

New Years day we drove up the coast of New Hampshire and I imagined using the millions from my first screen play to rent a stormy house on the ocean and write my first novel.  It's good to have goals, right?  The day we left we walked around Harvard (I felt a little sad that the Harvard plan isn't Bean friendly...but we'll live!) and saw Fenway and ate and ate and ate. 

It was a perfect trip at a perfect time.  Although I was heartbroken to leave her again, I'm so happy we have our pregnancy bond.  I feel so so so lucky to have a friend like L.

I told my boss today!

I was so freaked I was shaking and sweating.  Because I work for one person, and we're in a total boys-club business, I was just terrified about how she'd react.  The lead up to my wedding was a bit rough, and I have to assume this will be 500,000,000 times worse.  But she was awesome.  She screamed with joy and was genuinely enthusiastic.  It's a huge weight of my mind to have told her, especially because it's all I ever want to talk about.

On a related note, I've noticed my crabbiness often comes close to dangerous levels.  Maybe it's the tiredness, but I think it's a combo crabby/tired.  I can't get over how different every part of my body feels.  I also can't get over how much I already adore my little Bean.  

I had lunch with E last week and was complaining about how my usual anxiety has spiked with my pregnancy.  I can't figure out how pregnant I am, to start with.  I know it seems like a pretty easy thing to figure out, but I'm so so desperate to be further along I keep confusing myself (for the record, I really now think I'm only four weeks).  I'm afraid to exercise- everyone says I can but it seems like a stupid risk.  But if I don't exercise, I'm afraid of getting pregnant lady diabetes.  I'm afraid of eating junk food.  I'm worried about telling people I work with about the pregnancy.  How many baths can I take?

"Aren't you supposed to get "What to Expect When You're Expecting?"  E asked during a break in my stream of neurotic consciousness.  Ahh yes.  A book.  T and I went to Borders that night, and I felt immediately better.  I felt so much better in fact, I felt stupid for waiting two weeks to buy the book.

So now I'm armed with some calming facts and can't bring myself to worry about the Bean anymore.  I feel like it's safe in there for now.  I'm still worried about work, but according to the constant dreams I've been having about it...everything will be ok.

I wanted to write a funny post about my newly developed superpower: my sense of smell.  It's a blessing and a curse.  Instead, I have to write about how I hate my doctor's office.  I had originally scheduled a "pre-conception meeting" with my doctor to talk about trying to get pregnant.  When I found out I already was pregnant, I thought I should call the doctor's office and update them on the situation.  That was a mistake.  Look, I'm already so emotional.  I've been in alternating states of tears and rage for the past couple of weeks.  So when the idiot receptionist (maybe she's nice in real life, but in my newly pregnant life she's an idiot) tell me not to bother coming in until January 13th because they can't even tell if it's viable until then.  Viable.  Well shit.  It never even occurred to me to wonder if it was viable.   I stammered some meek protests, but the gate keeper was standing strong.  No appointment until I'm 8 weeks along.

Luckily I can call L, who's a reliable expert on almost everything.  She also has the comforting ability to tell you she doesn't know something.  So I can trust what she tells me.  She called me down, told me what prenatal vitamins to eat, reminded me not to eat cold cuts, and above all be calm.  Ah yes.  Don't freak out.  I forgot about that one.

So I feel better.  T still called the docots office and gave them what for, but we have to wait until January.  I'm going to try and erase "viable" from my mind, and just be excited to hear my little bean's heartbeat!

The Second Day

Saturday, December 19th

I woke up exhausted again.  T and I laid in bed and called my parents again.  We were all like kids- laughing and planning and joking.  Then we called T's sister.  I couldn't have scripted a better reaction.  She laughed and cried and screamed with happiness.  This will be the first baby on both sides of our family, and this little bean is already so loved.  T and I walked the dog, ate lunch, called my best friend in Chicago and told her the news.  She was having a Christmas party that night and we conspired to make fake cocktails to throw people off the trail.  Then I napped.  For three hours.

I met another friend and her brother for dinner.  I want to tell everyone I see about my little bean, but feel like I have to wait until I go to the doctor on Tuesday.  I guess I just want a grown up professional person to tell me it's real.

The First Day, Part II

I went to the gym the first day I found out I was pregnant and couldn't stop tearing up.  I teared up thinking about telling my in-laws the news.  I teared up thinking about a little baby being born with my husband's hair.  I teared up thinking about my belly being big and round.  I had this silly dreamy feeling all day and couldn't think about anything other than the poppy-seed sized group of cells growing inside of me.  When I got to work I called my sister in law and both my brothers.  I wanted to wait until Christmas to surprise them but knew there was no way I could hold out.  They were all so excited.  It was so sweet to hear everyone react with such enthusiasm.

I was nervous about the holiday lunches and parties I had the weather.  Friday I had a holiday lunch, holiday after work drinks, and was going to meet up with my husband and brother in law.  Lunch went fine- I got through it without anyone questioning why I wasn't drinking.  After work drinks were a bit trickier- I raced to the bar and begged the bartender to give me a 7up with a cherry and not ask my if I wanted a second drink.  She got my drift immediately.  My husband (let's call him T from now on- it'll my it easier!) and I decided to tell his brothers and sisters immediately too.  We couldn't help it!  We were just too happy.  I met T and his younger brother for diner and we all chattered and laughed about the news.  We went back to our apartment and tried to act casual when T's sister in law called.  I wanted to tell her on her own- I wanted each sibling to feel special about hearing the news.  As T and his brother and I watched TV, I couldn't stop thinking about my little bean.  T's brother said, "Hey, how do you feel?  Do you feel pregnant?"  I did.  I do.  I feel different.

The Week Before

I was going to LA for work on December 9th.  I went to Bloomingdales the night before in a frantic attempt to get a cool wardrobe together.  The shopping trip was pretty successful, but while I was in the dressing room I noticed painful red marks on my boobs where the under-wire on my bra had pressed into my skin.  "Goddamit," I thought "Are my boobs getting bigger?"  My scale had broken a few weeks before and I was scared that I had gained weight.  I tried to ignore it and prepare for my trip.

Once I landed in LA I was excited for the meetings I had scheduled.  Wednesday was a great day and flowed into a fun evening.  I never sleep very well without my husband, so I didn't think much of it when I woke up the next morning exhausted.  That night I had an important client dinner at Ostaria Mozza.  We ate several courses and drank a bottle of fine wine.  I only had a glass, wanting to stay sharp for the party after dinner.  When we arrived at the party I walked around for a few minutes before getting hit with a wave of nausea.  I put my wine glass down and switched to water.  I spent the rest of the night taking deep breaths and trying to concentrate on not puking on people's shoes.  It's was rough going for a while.  I fell into bed that night and woke up exhausted again.

Friday night, my last night, my boss and I went to a company Christmas party.  I was overcome with repulsion for both the food and alcohol.  I couldn't even hold a drink in my hand without feeling sick.  I wasn't that surprised though- I've always had a sensitive stomach.  I didn't mind not drinking and volunteered to drive home.

I got home Saturday evening and felt like I had flown home from Europe.  I was so tired and grumpy I could barely stay awake.  I slept all the next day and stayed home from work Monday.  I had a sore throat the whole week and woke up every morning feeling completely wiped out.  I thought I had a cold, and that I had been emotionally sapped in LA.  It didn't occur to my until Friday that I might have a little bean growing in my stomach.

The First Day

I woke up Friday December 18th and decided to take a pregnancy test. My period wasn't due for four more days, but I was too impatient to wait.  I took the test at 7:00 am, and the positive sign came up faintly, but almost immediately.  At 7:04 am I called my husband.  At 7:06 I called my best friend in Boston, L- who's also pregnant.  L and I really wanted to be pregnant together and we shrieked on the phone together.  At 7:08 I called my parents.  We were all teary eyed with joy.  I couldn't believe it had actually happened, and that now I was to go about my day as if everything wasn't completely different.